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SHPANK, CRØSS & STÖCK: Flat-pack on your back

From Ballardian wife-swappers to Updike’s nymphomaniacs, we’ve long known that the suburbs are hotbeds of sexual activity. Beyond the clipped lawns, net curtains, valances and ornamental water features lies a world of erotic clichés: bored housewives and hot handymen, car key parties and cross-dressing. So it comes as no surprise that a well-known Swedish furniture-maker has taken the opportunity to enter the specialist adult market, furnishing the adulterers of the green belt with the tools necessary for their pleasures.

After a long campaign to “chuck out the chintz”, to “stop being so English” and reinvent ourselves as meatball-eating Modern Europeans, designs on our sexual appetites can never have been far away. While the English have our own ideas of what happens behind closed doors, a breath of fresh, Scandinavian air might be about to blow through the nation’s bedrooms.

Bookkake has been indulging in a little industrial espionage to bring you a sneak peek at some forthcoming designs aimed at the budget end of the bondage market. According to our sources, three new products have recently been approved, and we eagerly await their arrival in the big blue box stores that ring the towns and cities of the UK. Whether they receive as riotous a reception as previous new lines will have to wait to be seen.

CRØSS is a wall-mounted and simplified version of the classic Crux decussata, or St. Andrew’s Cross, one of the most common items to be found in the professional dungeon, and now affordable for the amateur. STÖCK is a more weighty appliance for the restraint of the willing partner, complete with secure base to prevent toppling injuries, while SHPANK is, well, you get the idea…

No word on pricing just yet, although you can get your own copies of the instruction manuals at a very reasonable price:

  • SHPANK (£5, 8pp, 9781906110079)
  • CRØSS (£5, 6pp, 9781906110055)
  • STÖCK (£5, 6pp, 9781906110062)

There are, as ever, more pictures of the manuals on Flickr.

Posted November 5, 2009 by James Bridle. Comments Off on SHPANK, CRØSS & STÖCK: Flat-pack on your back
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